Issue #91 — The Fear
“I feel The Fear coming on, and the only cure for that is to chew up a fat black wad of blood-opium about the size of a young meatball and then call a cab for a fast run down to that strip of X-film houses on 14th Street…feel back the brain, let the opium take hold, and get locked into serious pornography.” –Hunter S. Thompson
Probably not gonna watch the game tonight. Probably not. In-spite of myself. In-spite of my team. Just plain in-spite. And there is a reason for this sentiment. A reason for this attitude of annihilation I feel for this most beloved of National Hockey League clubs. The reason is this. The reason is fear.
Vanouver fans have been a tight-lipped group this past few months. There has been little cause for celebration. There has not been any ticker tap tickering it’s way down the alleys of Granville Street or Burrard. There has been no yellow ribbons wrapped around old oak trees. And all the snow falling on cedar happens above the snow line.
Here, we are a city of business. Pleasure is a principle, mandated by city-council, which states: no resident or citizen shall enjoy, this day April 13, 2011, until the Vancouver Canucks have won the Stanley Cup. This makes participation in any celebratory action deemed, heretofore, to elicit, incite or elucidate enjoyable feelings, illegal and punishable by death. Fuck you smiles! Fuck you happy! Fuck you cheers of ecstatic joy! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
We have a job to do folks. Until then, it is a strict diet of Fear. Fear and pornography the city over.
–Joseph F. Delamar
Editors note: Unfortunately the Olympics burned down all the good porno shops and peeler bars in the city. So once again I say, “Thanks be to god for the Internet.” Go henceforth and reap your rewards!